For the past 2 years (2 years!!!) I've been conducting an on/off flirt with someone in HK. Fairly early on it became clear that we were poorly suited to actually go out with each other (you know when you just know??) but this didn't stop him being a) extremely overtly flirty and b) hot. And so we both got on with our lives, save for the occasional text or email, but never going beyond the very safe realm of fantasy and speculation.
All that changed earlier this year. We actually met after more than a year of no physical contact. One intense night in a bar, more than a couple of drinks, and we were planning and plotting how we would actually get together. The presence of a girlfriend for him and dates for me made it safe on both sides - with boundaries clearly drawn could we actually play without consequences, somehow have the fun and frolics with none of the guilt and baggage?
I think this is what Erica Jong was dreaming of as "the zipless fuck".
Saturday, June 21, 2008
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I don't know why, and you know I am normally to the left of liberal on this sort of thing, but something about reading this and him having a girlfriend made me feel a bit uneasy.
Usually I would say the decision is his to make and, quite frankly, if he is playing around then clearly his relationship isn't that serious nor will it last. But it has made me feel a bit queasy.
Maybe it's that I would hate it if someone were writing this about M.
I've been in a similar position lately, and would love to hear your comments. I had an amazing two weeks of constant e-mailing - long, long e-mails that got increasingly intimate - with a guy I'd never met (a friend of a friend). He's in an open relationship. He doesn't live with his girlfriend, but they see each other two or three times a week, and both are free to see other people. Now, utopian as that sounds (to me, at any rate), it does call into question why he doesn't feel able to commit to her (the idea was his initially, and i suspect she agreed because she would have lost him otherwise). Any thoughts? I'm hopefully going to be meeting him when I go down to Exeter at the weekend.
Commitment is a good thing if you want to run a marathon, or indeed, raise children.
Wrapped up in the word “commitment” is the concept of sexual exclusivity. Exclusivity is apparently good as it strengthens the pair bonding between the parents of a child and allows them to pull together for the 20 year project of raising a child.
Also Western society is patrilineal and a prerequisite of that is sexual exclusivity.
But, given that you behave with an appropriate sense of responsibility, would it not be a fine thing to sail the winds of Eros, finding joy and connection with others you encounter? I believe the vast majority of us fail to seize the day as we should. Whilst long term relationships are a fine thing, can we not navigate through the treacherous waters of possessiveness and jealousy to a place where both long and short term relationships can sit side by side?
Scientists seem to have identified three sorts of attraction, loosely definable as lust, love (romantic), and love (comfy pair of slippers). Is it any wonder that someone might want to take their slippers off occasionally and have a bit of lust?
Call me what you will...a die hard romantic, a hopeless idealist, or simply a girl that doesn't get out much. But having lived through the effects of an affair, I'm all for having a bit of respect for one's partner (if I actually had one).
In my experience, blurred boundaries lead to hurt for one or all involved. As always it's about expectations. So unless you've both agreed to an 'open relationship' and/or are emotionally bullet proof, I say protect yourself out there!
Interestingly, I recently read that in the US, an affair (once discovered) is considered by most as a matrimonial deal breaker. But in France, it's viewed as a normal part of a lasting marriage, a hurdle that most will need to get over at some point during their union.
However, even en France, one doesn't leave one's husband/wife for one's lover. Mais non! That, mes amis, is considered poor form. (No Wan Chai pun intended, probably the birthplace of the zipless fuck.)
Romance is an illusion. It's all the selfish gene and chemicals in the brain.
Hello Sisyphus - thanks for stopping by
and thanks all for comments on this neverending source of interest.
watch this space for next installment of the story
If I didn't know any better I would say that "anonymous" was the bloke I was writing about...you have a similar style (the sea/sailing metaphor in particular). I agree with you in theory, though I know that in practice my heart would be too treacherous.
My suspicion about this particular open relationship is that I think he's waiting for something better to come along, rather than just getting a bit of the lust mentioned by anon. I wish I knew his girlfriend's take on it!
That's interesting what you say about the cultural differences, kiwibird. I'd love to know whether the gender split is just about equal in France, or whether more men have affairs than women.
Maybe check out "Lust in Translation" - yes really - a book precisely about cross cultural differences in affairs (apparently the Americans are more likely to have affairs than the French....)
Precis: However fleeting the moments of pleasure in Lust in Translation may be, take one lesson from the book: don’t bother with the guilt.
Hey, Claire,
Anon from above here.
I don't live in Exeter.
Maybe I sound like your friend because this is a common theme running through the western male unconscious?
I am finding all of these comments are making me rather sad. The balance of opinion seems to be that it's fine to have an affair/sleep with someone who is in another relationship/lie because it's just what we do and we can ignore any moral (or, more importantly, emotional) responsibility for our actions.
How did we get here?
ah - i'd disagree with the latter part of your post, although agree with the sentiment at the beginning.
For me, navigating relationships as a 30 something single woman is seeing the cinderella myth that we're fed growing up being slowly but surely demolished. And that is sad, but also realistic.
I also strongly believe in personal responsibility - moral and emotional. The bit where I've changed my tune over the past couple of years is that I'm only responsible for my own, not others. And neither should I be outsourcing my own presonsibilities for other people.
OK, another 30-something single woman here.
In terms of the disintegration of the Cinderalla Myth, are you suggesting that:
a)there are no happily ever afters? Or
b) it's no longer possible for 2 people to make a life long commitment to each other.
If it's a), I agree to a point. I think most of us realise that life doesn't usually work out the way you thought it would. Even if you have managed to tick all the boxes on your 'things I thought I needed for a happy life' list.
Happiness is something we need to find in ourselves, and then whatever life throws at you after that becomes your 'happily ever after', quite possibly with a different set of tick boxes from the ones you imagined.
If you're suggesting b), I have to disagree. I'm surrounded by examples of great relationships that experience lots of ups and downs but at their core are rock solid, comprising love, respect and commitment to a shared future.
Some couples don't have that and chose to have affairs or, more courageously, break up. But it has always been thus. It's just that now its more socially acceptable, so it 'appears' to happen more often. But I don't think that's the reality. It's not a new phenomenon. It's just more talked about.
And if you're suggesting c) something else entirely, I'll stop ranting and leave you to elaborate on your defnition!
Hi Kiwi Bird
I don't think either a) or b) to be honest, I think it's more that I've realised as I get older and even perhaps wiser that relationships are much more than the man of your dreams turning up and whisking you away to a life of hither too undreamed of contentment. This, embarrassing though it is to admit, is a souped up version of how I thought about relationships until, erm, more recently than I would care to think about.
Aha. An important discovery. I bet even Cinders had that epiphany the day after she moved into the castle and realised she actually missed some things about her previous more simple life.
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