Everybody hurts...sometimes.....

The Guardian has a series where individuals write in asking for advice - it's called Private Lives and it's quite revealing. This week a woman asked for advice for how to get her parents to be more empathic towards her sister who is suffering from rapidily advancing Multiple Sclerosis. My view below.

"I empathise with this very difficult situation. However, I’m not sure that the advice I’m going to give you will be the answer that you are looking for.

I write as the 37 year old sister of a 30 year old brother with autism and behavioural problems. As is common to many people with autism, my brother requires full time support carefully co-ordinated between social and health services.

My parents are in a state of denial about the on-going issues associated with his care, and seem to be waiting for him to “get better”. Their fantasy about this happening effectively prevents them from dealing with the many and varied here and now issues he and they face. My fantasy about my parents suddenly developing the skills to care for him as I believe he needs is driving a wedge between them and me.

My advice, therefore, is to accept the level of care and support that your parents are able to give and not to expect them to be something they are not. If you have said your piece, and called it as you see it, then let it rest. Labouring the point further is exhausting for you, unlikely to change them and ultimately unhelpful to your sister (who, after all, is the one in this piece whose needs should be paramount). Concentrate on the help that you can give, lean into friends and family for support and connect with MS support groups who will be able to give you practical and emotional support at this difficult time.

Good luck. If, of course, I’m wrong then please let me know! I would love for there to be a different answer, but having been around this particular loop more times than I can remember over the past 10 years, I’m not sure there is. Dealing with a disability within a family is a source of on-going grief and loss for what could have been. Sadly this also includes letting go of your idealised version of your parents too."