Recently it seems that everywhere i look my female friends are either having babies, desperate to have babies, dealing with the aftermath of having a baby or resolutely not having babies. As a thirty something woman, I'm not sure what I want, but I do know that I feel overwhelmed and stressed at not having a position on the subject. Is it naive to think that it really was all much easier in my mum's day - roles more fixed and expectations unchallenged? Mind you, she had two children, a number of miscarriages, a very nasty bout of post natal depression and the on going challenge of raising a disabled child. Not sure with hindsight this is what she would have chosen. If she ever perceived she had a choice at all. Anyway, to illustrate some of the traffic around this issue:
From a former colleague at work to the entire practice.
I’m about to do something I thought just wasn’t me. Housewives and stay-at-home mothers always seemed strange creatures to me – is that sort of life really satisfying? Well, having been there for nearly a year and a half, I can report that yes it is very satisfying and rewarding and all those clichés people like to band around. It is also more stressful and emotionally tiring than any work experience I have ever had.
Having a child has changed me, my life, my expectations and my desires, and whilst I’m knackered most of the time and crave me time, being first and foremost a mother is just what I need to do right now.
From today's Observer
3. Corinne Maier
Who: Author
Why: In a culture of yummy mummies and giant designer prams 43-year-old Maier, mother of two, says the unsayable: having kids is overrated. Her book No Kid: 40 Reasons Not To Have Children, has scandalised France and topped the bestseller lists. The former economist rails against everything from giving birth and breast-feeding to sexless relationships and anodyne child-talk: 'In France, people go on too much about the glory of motherhood, and you're not allowed to talk about all the problems having kids causes. I thought it would be fun to take a dig at the myth that having a child is wonderful.' She's bold, funny and, often, spot-on.
She says: 'There are moments when I bitterly regret having kids.'
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3 comments:
I reckon you have to look at the long term bigger picture. Certainly in the short term day to day detail noone in their right mind would have children. It is far more stressful and time consuming than any job I have ever done; you get no holidays, no weekends, no time off at all - not even for a whole cup of tea (in fact I have taken to putting myself on the naughty step for much needed deep breath moments whilst my two toddlers look on in wide eyed awe). Your brain decays from having so little to do. You really start to understand why people take valium as something to take the edge off the day would be more than welcome.
But, children re-introduce you to the smaller pleasures of life. Admittedly just as well that I can appreciate the beauty in a daisy again as my eldest sets off to look at every single daisy in the field, but in a busy world which whirrs past at speed, being forced to slow down and look around is a pleasure. And despite their maddening habits, lack of sleep, early mornings, constant demands and total lack of consideration for their parents, children are a pleasure in small and unexpected ways. And talking to my parents confirms that they will continue to be so throughout their lives. Not only that, but they will continue to contribute to the richness of our own lives. Tallying it all up suggests to me that nothing worth having is worth having easily.
More of an issue for me is the inequality between men and women. Men are generally still able to have it all - family life, rewarding career, variety. Finding that balance as a women is very very much more difficult. Finding it without guilt is impossible.
Love the blog Claire! Em x
I am very firmly in the I would rather have cats than kids camp.
I find most mother's are blind to the fact that their kids are not saints and can be (although not all are) unbelievably selfish. I nick name them 'Nazi Mum'.
For example, I volunteered to help at a Kids Christmas party last year with a Nazi mum and her kids. Only to be told when it came to clearing up the kids mess, that she was off out that evening for dinner and needed to calm the kids down first - so is it ok if she disappears and leaves me to it. She promptly left with her brats and left me to clean up after them. And then wondered why I said i would not be volunteering to do it again!
This is a toughie because (as you well know) I was not the maternal type and I strongly felt, and feel, that my life would have been fulfilling whether I had or did not have a child.
But the fulfillment is different with a child, as Claire so wonderfully put it. However, so too would be all the things I would do had I not had a child - such as the travel, hearing a friend today talk about the Inca trail, Antarctica and Easter Island made me green with envy.
The hardest thing is realising that you can't have everything. I can't have an amazing career and be there all the time for my daughter, I can't love to cuddle her in bed and also be a sex goddess, and don't get me started on the strain it puts on relationships.
Also, I have more than once thought "stop the ride, I want to get off" as well as wondering how long I should wait until I have another because it is such fun.
Nothing can prepare you for it, nor help you choose. One day you just close your eyes, decide to jump and hope for the best - either way.
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